The Coming of The Coleecans
It was at the turn of the new century that the human race knew that it was not alone – and received a visit from its new neighbours.
After first contact was made it was agreed that they would land in New Mexico – good amount of space where their ship wouldn’t be likely to hit anything, apparently, where the crowds of UFO enthusiasts and close encounterers wouldn’t pose too much threat to the aliens.
The President of the North American Union at that time was a man called Brandon. He had come to power in questionable circumstances – which you couldn’t question, since all references to questions over his election had been scrubbed from the worldwide internet. In spite of which everyone agreed that he couldn’t be worse than the last guy, who nobody could quite remember because all references to him had been scrubbed from the worldwide internet.
The Coleecans came from a planet that passed close enough to our solar system to travel here only once every ten thousand years. However, since the Coleecans lived for a very long time they were more or less certain that they would one day be able to travel back to their home, so decided it was worth the trip.
When the Coleecans arrived due to a misunderstanding they accidentally vaporised the President and most of Congress, leading to a new kind of golden age on Earth without politicians, and so everyone agreed that the two worlds would from that day be joined evermore in friendship and the spirit of co-operation… until unfortunately all the Coleecans who had come down died not long afterwards from a nasty cold, apart from a few who went to live in isolation at the south pole, but they agreed to leave humanity alone in exchange for a yearly delivery of natural resources and frozen pizza.
“No one got ill any more except when companies created new diseases and then sold people the cure”
Have you ever seen a Coleecan?
They’re a kind of tall blue being with long faces, otherwise similar to a human person… which lead some people to believe they must have a common point of ancestry with an earthling, something which was confirmed by the Coleecans susceptibility to human corona viruses. It also pissed off all the academics and theologens who had spent hundreds of years claiming that we were alone in the universe and that life had evolved in isolation, since it meant that all the wackos who had been arguing about ancient aliens visiting Earth had been right all along.
Following the Coleecans disasterous arrival a new world government was created with a centralised computer system that ended all wars, cured natural death, provided good dentistry and dismantled the global banking system. No one ever got ill any more except when pharmaceutical companies created new diseases and then sold people the cure, which they argued was necessary so that they not go out of business.
Everyone was now so bored and the earth so over-populated that everyone agreed that the creation of this new utopia had indeed been a Terrible Idea, and that the coming of the Coleecans had been bad news for all involved, and so it was decided to drop all the Earth’s remaining nuclear bombs on the south pole to get rid of the pesky visitors and their machines that had made everything so dull.
Everyone agreed that if anyone asked, they would jusy say the Coleecans had never arrived and must have got lost on the journey.
The whole thing would act as a salutary warning for anyone else who might think about ever getting involved with human beings and messing up the natural order of things.
Unfortunately all this also had the effect of knocking the earth off its axis and plunging most of the planet into a kind of perpetual winter twilight. Except for Australia, where they had a barbecue and went to the beach.
Bob wasn’t thinking about any of that at the present time. He was hiding behind the counter at the bar in O’Malley’s Alley, that had just recently been shot up by a heavily armed gang. He was hoping that none of them would look over the bar, hoping to finish off any survivors. Life was just peachy…
to be continued.